My life has been less than easy over the past few weeks, however, I have made some huge successes. Some of them less pleasant than others; I have not had a cigarette in 6 days and 14 hours! Other points of interest, physical progress, episode of marked depression and family joy… no I’m not Pregnant.
Smoking is all I seem to think about this past week, so we will start there. I had chest pain on my way to physical therapy (at South Shore Hospital) and it increased on the way. I got nauseous, sweaty and scared like never before. The short story results, I'm fine.
This experience was nothing I ever felt before, I have been chronically medically complicated but never with the implication of death, or so I had rationalized (smoking). This fear was my “moment” and brought me to a place of fully wanting to quit. There was always a piece of me that wanted to smoke; on some level I enjoyed smoking. After my moment I found that I resented cigarettes. It became clear how much they owned my life, down to daily experiences. For example, I would not make it through any of my son’s baseball games without sneaking off to my car to have butt. More than once missing something great, but that never stopped me from going. That right there is the definition of addiction, if it interferes in a negative way in your life. Of course I had always intellectually known all of this information, but ALL of you needs to buy into the idea of stopping in order to be successful when it comes to any addiction.
I quickly came up with a plan, set the date for the following Monday, which was 3 days away. I made a list of tools (gum, water bottles with squirt tops, the patch, etc) and a list of stress management techniques (exercise, eat something, make jewelry, take a shower, etc.) and ways to not lose ground in my weight loss journey.I gave myself the first week (ends tonight!) to indulge in sweets if I needed to get through an insane craving. After this I need to be pretty strict with what I eat, but allow myself small treats as I have been all along.
My physical progress has yet to plateau and I am feeling pretty confident that I can handle my current status and as long as I can get to the beach I will be good! We are working on that now, trying to find an old golf cart. It wont be Nantasket, but I will deal with my little beach just fine.
The depression, well I think I was defeated by my losses with the big corporations regarding access to those with physical disabilities. It became so frustrating and I was perseverating on the utter unfairness of the whole thing and was stuck. I have since returned to using that anger to fuel my personal energy. Having a mission definitely has its ups and downs, it just get a little complicated if you have depression issues. So I did what I do, I isolated and just tried to survive each day with some resemblance of normal for my boys’ sake. I lost interest in making jewelry and I could not ensemble the words to keep up my blog.
Like every other depressive episode, I came out of it in my own time and my own way. I knew what was going on, I knew my symptoms were increasing and recognizing the signs of a deepening depression, yet there was no way I could stop it. I had to ride it out. I recall the moment that started, the spark if you will, the change and my journey back to my baseline. I was in the shower, where I think best. The water was really hot and aimed at my sore muscles and I was feeling sorry for myself. The muscled in my mid back were killing me from an unusual amount of rolling in a chair that was trash 15 years ago. This is of course because there was a delay in the insurance approval for my new chair because my chair is only approved for indoor use. No frigging clue what this is all about, I guess I don;t really need to leave my home but really? Therefore my custom order was rejected because it included the tie down anchors and a removable hard back. Finally we resolved this issue (by removing them from the order) and my new chair was just approved for construction. So I was feeling like I was being “picked on” is the best way I can describe it. Feeling how unfair life can be... this brought me to another thought.
I recalled the day I was scheduling four weeks worth of PT sessions individually and bored to death. I looked over and saw the cutest little girl. Such a fashionista, she had on leggings with this short stylish skirt with knee high boots and a faux fur vest with a belt. She looked like she belonged in a magazine with her hair all curly and growing out a mini-fro but with more defined curlets, Adorable! I could not help but comment on her outfit, she was about four or five and she started chatting me up. She asked what I was doing and I was telling her and how I have to do my therapy in the pool. She tells me, “I love the pool. My Grandma has a pool. I just have to take my leg off and get my swimmies on and I can go all around the pool.”
Bam! Reality check. The timing was perfect for me to have this particular memory.
I will conclude with my family joy. My oldest son had a significant Scouting ceremony IN THE WOODS. I was so determined to get there. I am always passing down the stories of being part Native American, Cherokee to be exact, and this was a Native American based ceremony with dancers. The meaning was that of crossing over from a Cub to a Boy Scout. I compare it to many of the religious ceremonies that represent the time in life when you are no longer considered a child by your people. I was determined to be able to get to this event, I had to see this and watch him cross over. I felt like I was training for a marathon! As it turns out, the Scouts and my husband came together and there were no roadblocks getting up there. The ceremony was great and yes, I cried.
~And I just completed another first, I got through my first writing piece without a cigarette!
