Setting Limits: You Can’t Make Everyone Happy and You Shouldn’t Try

Setting limits is a lesson I am still learning, I am not quite proficient yet.  I have found this is a skill that requires a great deal of real life experience in order to acquire the knowledge needed, and the confidence to use it. 

I have observed many other who do posses this skill, I studied their behaviors so as I could imitate them later myself.  You see I was a supervisor, and being able to set limits was essential when working with staff.  I had many great skills as a manager, but setting limits was not one of them.  Those who had been around awhile could smell the blood in the water and I was tested to my limits.  I found that I was covering direct-care shifts so staff could take days off, doing an overnight because a staff member had a child to care for which I later learned did not exist, and I had more sick calls than any other manager.  Therefore, if I did not have this skill of setting limits I would have to rely on my old standby technique for life, “fake it ‘til you make it” and thus the careful observation of those possessing this talent.  I can pretend like the best of them, but in truth it takes a great deal of energy to pull it off. 

For myself, the real struggle comes from wanting to help and wanting to please people.  Intellectually I can acknowledge that the inability to set limits helps no one.  In order for any relationship to work, be it professional or personal, we all have limits and they will be tested.  Yet, in practice I find it extremely difficult.  A wise woman once told me, “There are those who respond with their brains and those who respond with their hearts, Honey you are the latter.”

I thought about this statement for some time now and have contemplated if this was a good thing or a bad thing.  I guess a balance of the two is ideal, but I could never be the former, I have tried.  Which would explain why my transition to education and training in the field was so positive, I was able to engage in all of the aspects of being a supervisor just short of having to give corrective action.  It was perfect.

Truth is this did me no favors in real life, because I still needed to learn this skill.  I came to realize, with some coaching, that it truly is easier to say no than deal with the ramifications of not doing so.  For example, if someone were to drop his or her child off at my home without prior knowledge and just drove away, I would not call them out on this behavior.  Really?  Yes this really happened, not one of my best moments in retrospect.  I called on another of my favorite reality-checking exercises, if this were one of your clients what would you say?  This is where I question how hard would I advocate for a client in this situation and what recommendations would I offer.  I then go through the process and eventually decide that I will do equal for myself as I would for those I serve in the community.

The answer was obvious when I considered it under these circumstances.  The next question was how do you establish limits with someone who has bowled over you for years?  Clearly and bluntly appears to be the shortest distance between to points, however, do I have what it takes…and then it hit me, I am spending way too much thought and energy on someone for whom I have little respect.  I needed to show some self-respect, bang it was clear as day.

Then feeling sheepish for my lack of self-respect, I examined those around me and found I am not the only one who suffers from this flaw.  I see it clearly now, those who take and those who give too much of themselves to keep the balance. 

Unfortunately, the takers of the world can spin us off track and we end up spending our energies in the wrong places.  We all know these people but just to be clear, I am a huge supporter of the “it takes a village” motto and believe we all need to work together for better communities.  Those I am referring to are the people in our lives who create chaos, don’t play by the rules, and test our patience on a regular basis.

Some examples:

•             The individual who charges you full rate on babysitting when you needed it, but a few years later does not pay you for babysitting when they need it.
•        The individual who says yes they will gladly take your client list so you can leave the country, but then a few years later offers you their client list for the same reason for the rate of ten thousand dollars. 
•        The individual who accepts drink after drink, but never buys a round.
•        The individual who says they don’t smoke but what they really mean is they don’t buy smokes.
•        The person who complains that their life is awful, needs your help constantly but wont do anything to change their circumstances when they are given the opportunity, yet continue to depend on you to make their lives function.
•        Or my favorite, the individual who only calls you when they need something. 

So how do we incorporate these people into our lives, or do we?  If you reflect on it and realize that this individual just is not worth your time nor your energy and feel comfortable letting them go, by all means do it.  However, in many cases we need to continue the relationship for various reasons (i.e., you are related, you love the individual, it is professional, etc.).  In this case we can exercise some control and manage these relationships without hurting ourselves.  The only way to do that is by setting limits and being consistent.

Only you can judge where the limit stands but here are a few simple guidelines.

1.              Protect your space.  Personal space is essential to feeling in control; your home is your space.  Unless otherwise instructed all individuals should knock before entering your home and should never find themselves in your bedroom, unless invited of course.
2.             Share only what you want known.  In this day of facebook, twitter, cell phones, etc., it can be difficult to maintain privacy.  So if you don’t want a surprise visit don’t tell the world where you are. 
3.       When your response is no, say NO!  Don’t set yourself up to fail and take on more than you can handle.  Eventually your house of cards will fall and no one will benefit, especially you.  There is no feeling worse than trying to be helpful to then only make more problems because you could not follow through, even the feeling when you say the word no.