Bargaining: An Interesting State of Being

Typically bargaining involves an individual learning to accept that they are going to die and they simply want more time.  We have all seen this clear, black and white, version of bargaining in the movies.  For example the man in the water with sharks swarming around,  “God, if you let me survive I will….”

I have found myself saying things like, God I will accept this if…  As if I have any control of the circumstances, as if I will refuse to accept it otherwise, or something like, all right I will deal with this but not one more thing, I just can’t do it! 

I believe bargaining is a personal journey, one that involves deep thought and reflection of life.  It is a time where you are just starting to grapple with the idea that the circumstances are in fact reality.

I am learning bit by bit how to accept and through the use of bargaining it implies that I have some control over the situation.  When you have no control over your own body it can create real control issues for sure.  I believe the concept of bargaining, with whom ever, allows me a small sense of control over the situation.

This was a quick yet very introspective stage for me and I have spent little time actually bargaining.  Instead I spent more time examining my life and going through the process of discovery within myself.  For example, what really matters in my life and can I still be happy under these circumstances of my life.  The obvious, thoughts of can I live this way and how.  I made lists of what made my life worth living under these circumstances.  What I learned was little changed in my life due to having to live it in a wheelchair.

I then made list of barriers.  I smile as I type this because that was the office motto, “eliminating barriers” and I always resort back to my experience working with the mentally ill.  My list of barriers although long, was not unreasonable and several would be easy to address.  This led to a list of problem-solving ideas, which led to a list of jobs for my husband and his brothers to address.  Slowly as my house becomes adapted, life gets easier and routines develop.  I have to say I am still thankful for limitless hot water because that routine is still a long process.

Ironically, I had always underestimated this stage, bargaining, in the grief/loss process.  Now I know that as ridiculous as it is to negotiate reality, it does get the job done.

Here are some of my favorite journal entries regarding bargaining:

¨     I will live in this chair if my kids never have to experience such a thing ever.

¨     Okay, I will do this but you need to promise I won’t have to deal with anything else this difficult.

¨     I will give up my legs if you can fix the nerves so prosthetics will work.  *Overlooking the obvious, if the nerves were fixed my own legs would work.

¨     And my favorite, OK GOD! ARE YOU LISTENING BECAUSE I AM PISSED! I NEED YOU TO FIX THIS BECAUSE I AM NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE!

Needless to say none of the above were logical, realistic or maybe even sane, however, they somehow made me feel better. 

I have of course made my apologies; don’t relish the thought of possibly making the Big Guy mad.